On Love and Convenience

I saw a quote once, it said "Love that is not madness is not love."


Love doesn't come along when you've decided that it would be convenient. It doesn't fit into anybody's schedule, it doesn't play by anybody's rules. It rarely happens in the way we think it will. Some people fall in love with one person, and forsake all others. Some people love the world, some people fall in love with just a few people, they weren't necessarily looking for this. They just happened to be busy loving one person when another came along and took their heart, and suddenly, they found that they had two hearts, or three. One for each person they loved. You don't give someone a quarter of your love, you give them your whole heart, which sticks its finger up at maths.


Sometimes I wish that the people I love were more convenient. One of them was once, he was not only nearby, he was also deliciously kinky, fabulous in bed, a geek, a foodie, ginger, tall... And married, so I didn't have to worry that our relationship would get all heavy and deep and meaningful and people would start wanting 'more.' Then, rather inconveniently actually, I found that I was lost, it was too late, I loved him. It took me a while to come to terms with that, a while to realise that love doesn't have to be the end of the world. It can be the beginning. Inconvenience was moving to the other side of the Atlantic. Inconvenience is being so far away from him that I have spent nights wishing that I could teleport someone to my bed just by my need for them. 


I fell in love again on this side of the Atlantic. He didn't have to tie me up to catch me, but don't tell him, he might stop tying me up, and I never want that to happen, ever. I love him and I'm so far away, a six hour journey's worth it though, to see him smile, to be in his arms. Convenience? Where? I think I've made a habit of inconvenience in the people I love. Maybe one day I'll fall in love with a boy (or girl) next door. But not today. 


Inconvenience does at least have its positives. You can't take something for granted if it's inconvenient, if it's hard sometimes, if it demands that you care for it. You have to want it, sometimes you have to fight for it, sometimes you have to defend it, and it reminds you every time you see it that it's worth every tear and every step of the journey you took. If something was too convenient, too easy, wouldn't you take it for granted? Wouldn't you go looking for something which would challenge you a little? Be a bit more exciting? I think I for one will be happy for married high school sweet hearts, and people next door. I will take my inconvenient, wonderful people, and I will love them will all of my hearts. 


Love is inconvenient. But, contrary to what I once thought; it's worth it. A thousand times over.

Life is like...

Not a box of chocolates, who thought up that nonsense? You know which one you're going to get if you look at the leaflet! 


No. Life is like riding a bicycle. Funny metaphor for someone who can't ride one, but there it is. You ride along with the wind in your hair, and you're happy and free and it's a bit of work going up hills, and then you go down them and you feel like you're flying. Until you wobble, until you feel like you're going to fall. And suddenly you remember the road beneath your wheels. The road you've forgotten about, and you know that if you fall, then that road which helps you to fly now, that road will tear your skin, will rip it away, just like peeling an orange, it will try to catch you, try to hold you, and your face will be dragged along it as the road bites it, rips it, tears it...


And then you're afraid. You know that you're okay, but suddenly you have to concentrate, you have to think, you think too much and you hold onto the handlebars too tight and you can't make your legs pedal right, and you wobble, and you can't get straight again, and you're weaving like a drunken man, and you can't straighten up, and you know that all you have to do is not be scared, but you're so scared that you can't stop, you can't ride straight and now you can't think straight, and you're so afraid of the road that you've forgotten, it's still holding you up. 


All you have to do is trust yourself, but you're so afraid of falling that you can't. You can't trust the road, or yourself, and you know that somewhere there is someone who loves you, someone who can wrap you up in their arms and keep you safe, and make all the fear go away. But you can't get to them, because you're too scared, you're so scared of falling that you can't make yourself safe. 


You're so scared that you can't see the most important thing.